“Lord, do I have a gift of prophecy?” I’ve always had this crazy question every time a preaching, a book, or someone would say something groundbreaking and I’ve already thought about it before hearing it. Turns out, sometimes, it just God’s way of repeating my next mission (should I choose to accept it).
Last Feast, Brother Jeric gave a powerful talk on the series entitled Courage. When he said, “Tell the person beside you: You are the miracle you’ve been praying for”, everyone followed with enthusiasm. But I couldn’t. Because I had to pick my jaw from the floor. You see, God told me the exact same thing a month ago –In Panama, during World Youth Day.
I was at the Vocations Fair on the 4th day of the pilgrimage, squeezing myself through the crowd toward the breathtaking image of Our Lady of Guadalupe, while also trying to learn the Spanish hymns being sung during adoration when… BAM! God spoke. In the presence of His Mother He said: “Grace, you are the miracle ” I was stunned. I’ve been praying to witness miracles this year. A prayer. An answer. I broke down in tears. “Really, God? Why do you have such faith in me?”. I was praying in my heart. “I’m such a mess”. He didn’t answer, but I can feel His love surrounding me like a warm blanket. I see Him smiling at me with loving eyes. He didn’t say a word but I know. I know the answer. I’m the miracle not because of who I am but because I am His.
But I’m such a mess.
Can I tell you a secret? 2018 was my dark night. Yes, last year felt like I was in a black hole. It was the time when I really worked so hard to look okay. Because the fact is, I was in the brink of depression. I come home at night and cry because I feel empty. I kept getting disappointed over and over again about so many things in my life. I don’t feel loved. Worst of all, I can’t feel God’s presence.
St Teresa of Calcutta is the saint who taught the world so much about kindness, compassion and how to follow Jesus. She is also the same woman who wrote about the Dark Night of the Soul. She too felt God’s absence (the scariest feeling in the world). Inspired by her, I kept following God even though He seems distant. I was fighting for my peace. I have my inner circle of God-loving friends who kept encouraging me. Maybe nobody noticed what I’ve been going through during those times because I never stopped serving and praying. I didn’t stop because I know that my feelings do not dictate my faith. And I trust God. He knows what He’s doing.
And you know what? Bumawi si Lord. 2019 came and the floodgates of heaven opened! Blessings and provisions felt like God’s embrace. Panama felt like heaven. My Pope Francis encounters felt like heaven. KGFME felt like heaven. It’s just the beginning of the year and my cup overflows! I’m home.
I pray that we all remain faithful even if we do not understand God’s assignments. Even when He’s silent. Remember this:
God’s love is constant. And with it, we can conquer anything.
A/N: Reflection written for Feast – St Marys Dubai